In a press conference that could have easily been mistaken for the final act of an action movie, Pope Francis, fresh off an exhausting 11-day tour through Southeast Asia and Oceania, appeared fed up with trying to fix humanity’s endless stream of problems.
When asked about the upcoming U.S. presidential election, the Pope Francis, 87, offered what can only be described as a Vatican version of “Do I look like I care?”.
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“Look, you’ve got one candidate who thinks closing the door on immigrants is a great idea and another who’s all about supporting abortion. It’s like trying to pick between the ‘lesser of two evils,’” he sighed, shaking his head. “At this point, I feel like Bruce Willis in Die Hard: ‘Yippee ki-yayy M@#$%^&” thankfully the mic was turned off before the pope’s true feelings about the state of the world were shared with the world.
Francis’s remarks came as he wrapped up his globe-trotting mission to spread the church’s influence in areas often ignored, which he refers to as “the peripheries.” After personally meeting with communities in Jakarta, East Timor, and Singapore, the Pope seemed to be channeling The Terminator, bluntly stating that “rejecting migrants is cruelty” and “abortion is murder,” before muttering under his breath, “Hasta la Vista, baby” presumably to revisit these points when the world stops being such a dumpster fire.
“Honestly, at this point, I feel like Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon, you know? ‘I’m getting too old for this sh*t,’” the Pope grumbled, adjusting his papal vestments like a weary action hero fixing his bulletproof vest.
On the topic of the ongoing crisis in Gaza, where the conflict has led to tens of thousands of deaths, Pope Francis didn’t mince words, quoting Jaws: “You’re gonna need a bigger boat… because apparently, nobody here is doing anything to stop the war.” He shook his head, visibly frustrated with the lack of progress toward peace. “It’s horrifying. I keep thinking maybe I’ll wake up and find out this is just some kind of Inception-style dream, but nope. We’re still bombing schools.”
The pontiff, who has always been outspoken on both abortion and migration, re-emphasized his long-held positions. But instead of the usual solemn pontifications, he leaned heavily into Hollywood catchphrases. “Migrants deserve better. I mean, ‘You can’t handle the truth,’” he said, jumping up on the couch and when asked what the world needed to do, unleashing his inner Tom Cruise, saying : “Show me the money!’”
Despite the grim subject matter, Francis couldn’t resist taking another swipe at world leaders. “Both sides are against life: one wants to toss out migrants, and the other’s okay with killing kids. It’s like watching The Godfather—there are no good guys, just people trying to out-cruel each other. And I’m just sitting here like, ‘Leave the gun, take the cannoli.’”
The Pope also lamented that even after years of trying to steer global policies toward compassion, kindness, and love, the results have been underwhelming. “Sometimes, I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway—just talking to a volleyball, hoping somebody will listen,” he sighed. “We’re supposed to be on the same team, people, but I guess ‘What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate,’” he said, quoting Cool Hand Luke as he made his way off the plane, probably heading for a much-needed nap.
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As the pontiff wrapped up, his final words were delivered with a weary, action-hero-esque gravitas: “You know, in the end, ‘May the Force be with you.’ Because clearly, I can’t fix this mess on my own.”
Note: This is a piece of satire and so calm down. 🤫
